1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:04,440
Oh, my God.

2
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,000
Dad!

3
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,160
What?

4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,960
The lights!
It's the middle of the day.

5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,000
Sorry, Gem.

6
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,000
But you're better at all that
than me, aren't you?

7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,160
What?!

8
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,000
Better at turning lights off?

9
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,840
<font color="

10
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,560
Chickens can turn lights off.

11
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,200
Well, it was your mum
that turned the lights off

12
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,240
in the old house, you know.

13
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,120
She had her system,
so I didn't like to interfere.

14
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,760
Well, I'm not Mum,
so you need to learn

15
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,760
<font color="
to have lights on and off is.

16
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,320
But do you want a hint? Yeah.

17
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,680
If it's dark, turn them on.

18
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,040
If it's not dark,

19
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,280
turn the fucking lights off!

20
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,360
All right. If you don't mind me
saying, you're a bit stressed

21
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:42,920
<font color="
been to a yoga class.

22
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,600
Well, you're costing me
all this money, Dad.

23
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,320
All the lights are on,
45-minute showers.

24
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,320
I need a long shower, don't I?

25
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,480
I need to, like, you know,
get things out of my system.

26
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,240
<font color="

27
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,560
And then this morning I find out
Baris has put the rent up.

28
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,320
I thought you were supposed
to speak to him?

29
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,360
Yeah, I did, I did -

30
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,760
but it was mostly about nunchuks.

31
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,520
You know, I'm just not
<font color="

32
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,120
Well, strap in, because we're
about to have a big bloody row.

33
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,280
OK.

34
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,520
I can't afford to cover all this.

35
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,400
Not once I'm on maternity leave.
PHONE VIBRATES

36
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,920
So you're gonna need to take up
<font color="

37
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,840
Dad! Hello? Are you even listening?

38
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,600
Yeah, shifts. Warehouse.

39
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,960
Sorry, I just need to check
if this is Helen.

40
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,120
"Helen"?

41
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,400
Yeah. It's my girlfriend.

42
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,640
What?!

43
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,280
I didn't know
<font color="

44
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,760
and then I got a postcard
from your mum

45
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,640
saying her loins had shrivelled up
and died the last time we, er...

46
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,040
Ugh! So I thought to myself,
"Come on, Malcolm,

47
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,240
"she's not coming back."

48
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,560
<font color="

49
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,360
and then Helen just
popped into my life.

50
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,520
How did you meet a woman?

51
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,080
Well we've not "met" met,
you know, just...

52
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,600
Well, we met in cyberspace.

53
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200
You know, on an app.

54
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,840
Oh, Dad...

55
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,520
<font color="
about catfishing.

56
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,120
He's driving me nuts.

57
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,800
Obviously.

58
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,440
He dried his underpants in
the microwave the other day. Oh!

59
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,920
I shouldn't have to tell
my own father

60
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,480
what he can and can't put
<font color="

61
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720
Hey, you should put
a note on it, like Mum did.

62
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:11,800
Do you remember?

63
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,720
"No metal spoons, Malcolm.
You twat."

64
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,040
Ooh, maybe I should
make him a sign.

65
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,960
Oh, my God. What?

66
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,720
<font color="

67
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,240
I am not.

68
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,440
You are!

69
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,080
He's turning you
into a replacement wife.

70
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,520
Oh! Oh...

71
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,040
I don't know how I'm gonna
cope when the baby gets here.

72
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,880
You need to get yourself a business
<font color="

73
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,920
Your last "business plan"
got you incarcerated -

74
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,920
but, go ahead, Apprentice me,
Jeffrey Bezos.

75
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,320
Well...

76
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,160
..given your very limited skillset,

77
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,120
I think your best option

78
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:57,800
is to find a rich, and
<font color="

79
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,520
Asap!

80
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,840
I'm good, 'in't I?

81
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:03,880
Mm.

82
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,320
Fuck.

83
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,720
If she won't let me
see the kids this weekend,

84
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,880
she is not getting
the crunchy bears.

85
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,280
Bloody women.

86
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,440
Yeah.

87
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,280
<font color="
looking for a companion on this app,

88
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,120
and I've found one.

89
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,280
Yeah, and we've been chatting,
you know - and her name is Helen.

90
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,640
She's 50 and she works
at the hospital,

91
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,520
and she doesn't have
<font color="

92
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,040
All right. Bang her, then leave her.

93
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,680
Yeah. Definitely. It's just...

94
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,440
I think I'm in love with her.
HE SCOFFS

95
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,360
She-She's really funny you know
and she just says things like...

96
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,800
<font color="

97
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,600
Women aren't funny.

98
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,840
Show me.

99
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,520
You dirty old dog!

100
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,000
This is a hook-up app!

101
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,040
A what?

102
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,160
Casual sex.

103
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,080
No. No, Helen wouldn't do that.

104
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,200
Malcolm, I promise you, this app is
<font color="

105
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,440
B-But I like strings, don't I?

106
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,240
I mean, strings are
romantic, aren't they?

107
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,200
Let's see if she's turned on the
"mutual attraction" feature.

108
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,320
What?

109
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,000
It lets you find each other,
<font color="

110
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,000
What, without
going to the cinema first?

111
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,280
Bingo.

112
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,880
I use this for my casual
encounters all the time.

113
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,960
Or I will do. I'm just, er...

114
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,840
..just waiting for a couple
of rashes to clear up.

115
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,720
<font color="

116
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,480
So, you get this boring
notification that alerts you

117
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,280
when you're within
five metres of each other,

118
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,400
or you can pay extra for this.

119
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,440
AIRHORN
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.

120
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,080
<font color="
Wow, wow pussy alert.

121
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,240
No, no, thanks.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.

122
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,840
I'm fine with the factory settings.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.

123
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,080
Wow, wow, pussy alert...

124
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,880
Rita, they're out of
decaf at the minimart.

125
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,640
<font color="
the big shop? Oh, no need, love.

126
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,440
Ooh, I know -
let's open the tequila instead.

127
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,120
It's 9am,
and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

128
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,600
Winnie'll have one won't you?
Little minx.

129
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,440
<font color="
when I'm a few glasses down.

130
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,840
Congratulations, Gemma, love!

131
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,080
And we don't know
who the father is, do we?

132
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,480
Is it that old one?

133
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,480
I thought you dumped
that old one months ago.

134
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,000
I did dump him.

135
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,480
<font color="
and have kids and I didn't.

136
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,440
Oh! Mm, the irony.

137
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,120
Adam actually asked me to marry him.

138
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,000
And why the hell didn't you,
you silly mare?

139
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,720
You can't be turning men
down in your condition.

140
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,960
<font color="

141
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,720
He owned that bungalow outright.

142
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,600
His trousers weren't
made of polyester.

143
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,000
I'd kill for a man like that.

144
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,200
I wasn't in love with him.

145
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,480
Love? Dad.

146
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,840
I've been married four times,
<font color="

147
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,960
A house, a car,
some exquisite crockery -

148
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,440
but never love.

149
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,240
That's really sad, Rita.

150
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,920
I didn't plan on getting wed at all.

151
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,200
When I was your age,

152
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,720
I was after joining MI6

153
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,040
<font color="
that shagged about for secrets.

154
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,600
Am I gonna regret asking
why you didn't become a spy?

155
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:47,040
I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour
of the Coronation Street set.

156
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,520
They found out -
they said I wasn't very discerning.

157
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,760
<font color="

158
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,400
Oh, I must have done it
on camera by accident.

159
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,800
Didn't know I did Kevin Webster
too, though, did they? Hmm?

160
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,600
Bloody MI6. They don't know shit.

161
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,320
I'm sorry,
what are you trying to tell me?

162
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,040
<font color="

163
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,920
Especially for us girls.

164
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,160
My sister said something
very similar.

165
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,440
Just because she's in prison

166
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,960
for paying a man to push another
man down a lift-shaft...

167
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,160
Off a fire escape.

168
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,760
..does not mean
<font color="

169
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760
And you can tell your dad
he's welcome to pop in

170
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,640
for a Corrie Special
whenever he likes.

171
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,680
Rita! I'm just saying.

172
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,360
Want a top up, Winnie?

173
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,080
Oh, you've not finished that one.

174
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,640
<font color="

175
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,400
So, sorry, which one am I?

176
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,160
The blue dot that's moving,
because of how you're moving.

177
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,480
Who's the pink one?

178
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,680
Fucking Helen!

179
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:35,760
OK. All right...

180
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,360
There's two fucking dots, Malcolm.
Yeah, I know, I know.

181
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,120
<font color="
Get your head in the game, man!

182
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,400
I don't know...

183
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,280
So, what's she like?
Other than well up for it?

184
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,640
She's lovely.

185
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,840
We watch Emily In Paris
at the same time

186
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,000
and then message each other
<font color="

187
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,120
Weak.

188
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,320
Should get her to
watch some UFC with you.

189
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,360
If she's turned on by a man

190
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,840
round-housing another man's
head off, then she's a keeper.

191
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,280
She's a vegan, which is a worry,

192
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,440
in case I smell of meat.

193
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,720
<font color="

194
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,600
HE SNIFFS

195
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,560
I mean, a bit.
But, you know, in a good way.

196
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,160
She runs. Mental.

197
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,720
And she believes in angels.

198
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,160
What?

199
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,800
Yeah. She believes in angels.

200
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,360
<font color="

201
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,640
..they walk amongst us -

202
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,160
and it's very important
that I believe in that, too.

203
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,120
Well, do you? Well, er...

204
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,080
I could. I mean, why not?

205
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,640
PHONE VIBRATES

206
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,880
OK. She's heading towards us.

207
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,080
<font color="

208
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,080
55-year-old male, arrived by car.

209
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,000
Lacerations to both legs
after a strimmer accident.

210
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,360
Careful...

211
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,800
He went into cardiac
arrest on the way here.

212
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,080
Oh, my God, Malcolm!
Did you see that?

213
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,480
<font color="

214
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,120
I used to love using my strimmer.

215
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,720
Derek...

216
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,160
What kind of bloke are you after?

217
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,000
Other than "rich",
to quote your sister.

218
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,680
Erm, not a prick.

219
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,520
Someone who is willing to
look after my unborn child.

220
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,080
<font color="
a low bar? I can't tell.

221
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,320
Will you help me find him?

222
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,760
I can if we go to Sugar Daddies.

223
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840
Oh, God, it's not actually
called that, is it?

224
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,120
Ugh, may as well be -

225
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,640
but trust me, it is THE place to
<font color="

226
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,840
That good?

227
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,760
Mate of mine -
no money, grotty flat -

228
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,000
went there one night,
hooked up with an oligarch,

229
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,240
got married, he got murdered.

230
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,960
She now lives on a yacht with her
<font color="

231
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,640
Oh, my God.

232
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,520
A real-life Cinderella story.

233
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,080
Innit?!

234
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,680
Ooh, hello, ruffles!

235
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,440
Ooh.

236
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,320
Yeah. That's the one, isn't it?

237
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,640
Gem... Mmm.

238
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,840
Gem, can I ask a favour?

239
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,880
<font color="
your back spots again, Dad.

240
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,520
Oh, no, it's not that...

241
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,560
I just wondered if I could borrow
your very smart telephone to, erm...

242
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,240
..take a pic of my willy.

243
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,640
No chance.

244
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,920
Use your own.

245
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,320
I can't, can I?

246
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,440
<font color="
and he's smashed the camera in.

247
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,560
Why? Well, cos his
brother told him to

248
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,080
in case he caught 5G or
something, I don't know.

249
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,680
No. Oh, go on!

250
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,840
It's for Helen, you know,
<font color="

251
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,360
So she can see the goods.

252
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,280
Dad, Helen is a six foot
trucker from Didsbury.

253
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,000
No, she's not.
Me and Derek saw her.

254
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,560
She's lovely.

255
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,680
Right!

256
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,880
Well, if she's so lovely, why are
<font color="

257
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,680
of your willy? Your penis?

258
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,720
Well, you know, I'm just stepping
up the wooing to the next level.

259
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,040
An unsolicited dick pic
is not the next level.

260
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,120
No, it's not unsolicited -
it's solicited.

261
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,480
<font color="
lady breasts.

262
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,040
Loads of pictures, actually.

263
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,160
Go on, Gem.

264
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,880
Oh, my God...

265
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,440
No.

266
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,600
Christ.

267
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:38,920
God.

268
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,120
I probably don't
deserve love, do I, anyway?

269
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,480
<font color="

270
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,560
Take it!

271
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,960
Oh, thanks, Gem!

272
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,760
Fucking hell.

273
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,440
Gem?

274
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,120
What?

275
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,720
Erm...

276
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,440
I don't know how to send it.

277
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,200
You couldn't it send
to me, could you?

278
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,680
<font color="

279
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,160
Dad, are you for real?

280
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,400
Please.

281
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,200
Oh, my God.

282
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,240
Cheers.

283
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,280
Jesus, Dad.

284
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,840
This is flaccid.

285
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,400
Well, I didn't want to be
presumptuous, did I? No.

286
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,480
<font color="

287
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,080
OK? This looks like a baby rat
that's fallen asleep on a scourer.

288
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,120
Do it again.

289
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,760
But this time...

290
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,360
..erect.

291
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,720
Thanks, Gemma.

292
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,880
I'll just pop on a Kylie video.

293
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,680
Go on.

294
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,680
<font color="

295
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,920
Are you sure you still
want to do this?

296
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,280
Yep.

297
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,600
After what I had to do
to help my dad get a date,

298
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,440
this is going to feel
like a walk in the park.

299
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,800
Let's find you a daddy.

300
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,280
Cute.

301
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,200
<font color="

302
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,320
Wow.

303
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,240
God, you really weren't joking
about who comes in here.

304
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,800
Right.

305
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,520
A few little rules
worth keeping in mind.

306
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,720
This is not the first time
I've chatted men up in a bar.

307
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,560
<font color="
Mm-hm.

308
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,280
Don't talk about politics.

309
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,840
Pretend you like golf.

310
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,600
DON'T slag off the King.

311
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,760
Hadn't actually
thought of those last two.

312
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,320
Ladies.

313
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,640
He smells weird.

314
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,200
<font color="

315
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,360
Sorry, babe.

316
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,840
Hey. Hi. I'm Clint.

317
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,560
Friends call me the Clintser.

318
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,880
Ooh...

319
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960
Er, what's your favourite novel,
Clint?

320
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,240
Shakespeare.

321
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,400
Mm-hm.

322
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,440
<font color="

323
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,680
Bye.

324
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,480
Look, this won't work
if you're too picky. No, I know.

325
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,920
I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll
make an effort with the next one.

326
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,440
Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah.

327
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,800
<font color="

328
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,680
until I have a potential
father for my unborn child.

329
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,760
Good lass.

330
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,200
Ooh... May I buy you ladies a drink?

331
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,360
Champagne, maybe?

332
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,840
I'm Fergal.

333
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,320
<font color="

334
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,080
I was going to say,

335
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,480
"Far too gorgeous to be
in a place like this."

336
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,120
Fucking baiter.

337
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,240
I knew you'd get stood up, Malc.

338
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,880
I knew it.

339
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,760
I told you not to send her a pickle
<font color="

340
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,160
Helen was very nice about
my "display", actually.

341
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,560
And, anyway,
she hasn't stood me up.

342
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,560
Well, not yet, anyway.

343
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,080
Then why is she meeting you so late?

344
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,120
She's probably waiting for her
<font color="

345
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,080
She does overtime on Fridays.

346
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm sorry, Derek.

347
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,320
I'm just nervous, aren't I?

348
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,080
Oh, grow up.

349
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,960
You are a man,

350
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,600
and any man is better
than any female.

351
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,480
Oh, what, so Fred West better
<font color="

352
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,040
You're fiddling the
system now, Malcolm. Stop it.

353
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,840
I mean, what if she
wants to, you know...?

354
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,600
Good! That's what you're
paying £2.99 a month for.

355
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,000
SOBS: I'm not ready for that...

356
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,200
<font color="

357
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,080
No! No, no! Sorry!

358
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,280
I didn't get the alert!

359
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,160
I didn't get an alert.
I'm not ready!

360
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,680
I'm not ready! I'm not ready!

361
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,960
Aah! Malcolm?

362
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,760
<font color="

363
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,120
And that's your fault.

364
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,360
Who are you?

365
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,680
Oh.

366
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,040
Oh, no, what's happening?

367
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,160
Oh, no, I think
I'm having a heart attack.

368
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,480
Oh...

369
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,040
Oh, you should probably
<font color="

370
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,520
Help me. Help me...!

371
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,680
Ugh...

372
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,040
Dickhead.

373
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,840
Malcolm, my friend, what you need
is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert".

374
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,480
Your husband's
a professional rugby player?

375
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,760
Yeah, he has been with the same club
<font color="

376
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,040
He'll never move away, though,
his mum's a right needy wanker.

377
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,880
She has Parkinson's disease.

378
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,880
Yeah, and she doesn't
let you forget it.

379
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,200
Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah.

380
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,160
Another round, Fergal?

381
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,640
<font color="
buying drinks, after all.

382
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,280
That's a terrible line!

383
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,560
But I-I am very good
at buying drinks.

384
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,160
Thank you.

385
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,320
Mate, sorry.

386
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,680
Ex...

387
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,920
Hi!

388
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,880
Is, hi...Gemma? Mm-hm.

389
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,320
<font color="

390
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,480
Er, with my boss.

391
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,880
Oh, right.
Is he a massive douchebag?

392
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,280
No, he's just...really lonely.

393
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,960
Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?

394
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,160
Erm, could we get a bottle of
champagne and some sparkling water?

395
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,680
Whoa!

396
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,000
<font color="

397
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,480
Do you think I'm running some
sort of Breaking Bad operation?

398
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,800
Because while I technically do
know how to make methamphetamine,

399
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,320
I would have absolutely
no idea how to shift it.

400
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,560
Drinks are on Fergal.

401
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,040
Sorry, who's Fergal?

402
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,840
<font color="
place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.

403
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,000
That's not quite what I said.

404
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,320
Who is this? I...
We're going back to mine.

405
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,120
You coming? Er... Great!

406
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,480
You found one for me too!
<font color="

407
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,640
You can have this back. Thanks.

408
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,680
Come on.

409
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,160
What did you tell her?

410
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,920
That you had the shits. Oh...

411
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,000
I said you'd seen an angel
and it'd made your stomach go funny.

412
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,160
Why?!

413
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,360
<font color="
anything else that would happen

414
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,960
if you saw an angel.

415
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,640
You know, I'm not cut out for this.

416
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,720
Davina was cruel,

417
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,760
but at least I knew where all her
bits were and how they worked.

418
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,320
She was like a
<font color="

419
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,560
Hey, come on.

420
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,680
You'll get there, champ.

421
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,760
If not now, then...one day.

422
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,960
Besides, now I've Helen up close,

423
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,760
she's only a six at best
on the pussy-ometer, so...

424
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,400
Six? I like a six.

425
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080
So are you, erm, a doctor?

426
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,880
<font color="

427
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,800
I love a man in uniform.

428
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,560
That's nice... I don't...
I don't wear one of those either.

429
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,040
So, I guess this is the part where
you tell me you are married...?

430
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,960
I was married,

431
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,720
but we split up six months ago.

432
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,400
<font color="

433
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,280
but she wanted something different.

434
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,520
And she was devoted to her career,

435
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,800
but I...

436
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,840
I really want a family.

437
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,600
God, I didn't even know that
men had a biological clock.

438
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,840
Alexa, play Fergal's
<font color="

439
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,440
What the fuck...?

440
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,120
MUSIC: You're the Best Thing
by The Style Council

441
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:15,040
Oh, my God, I've not heard
this song for years.

442
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,000
My dad would sing this all
the time when we were little.

443
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,880
Yeah. Yeah, guys.

444
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,160
<font color="
Yeah, I'll just, erm...

445
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,400
Yeah.

446
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,040
Cheers, everybody.

447
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,920
So, you'll message me?

448
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,240
Look, I really like you,
so I don't want to start with a lie.

449
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,680
I'm pregnant.

450
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,480
What? Mm.

451
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,400
<font color="

452
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,960
Massive. Yeah. Yeah.

453
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,760
Hey, do you still want that DM?

454
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,320
I don't know where
this is gonna go...

455
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,360
..but girls like you really
don't come along very often.

456
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,160
It's such a beautiful morning.

457
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,280
<font color="

458
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,560
Oh, no!

459
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,880
Chemtrails.

460
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,160
What?

461
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,200
You see that line
behind the plane up there?

462
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,320
That's a fucking chemtrail.

463
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,800
Fuck!

464
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,800
Fucking cloud bastards.

465
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,960
The government use aeroplanes to
<font color="

466
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,400
which keep the electorate
stupid and control our minds.

467
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000
It's the same with
fluoride in the water.

468
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,240
If it's to protect people's teeth,

469
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,720
why have so many
people got fillings?

470
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,320
Think about it.
<font color="

471
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,760
Mm...

472
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,920
I'm in a WhatsApp group,

473
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,920
we're really trying to blow
this whole thing wide open.

474
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,640
Let the sheeple know the truth.

475
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,120
Yeah, about the chemtrails?

476
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,840
I'll add you to the group.

477
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,280
OK!

478
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,960
<font color="

479
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:53,840
So close.

480
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,200
Dad! Have you had the lights
on since I left this morning?

481
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,240
No.

482
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,720
You've been moping about for days.

483
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,560
Are you still connected
to her on the app?

484
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,200
Yeah.

485
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,080
<font color="
been at work all week,

486
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,640
but she hasn't read or replied
to any of my messages.

487
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,760
Right.

488
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,200
Have a short shower and get dressed.

489
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,680
You're going to tell her how
you feel, the old-fashioned way.

490
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,600
What, a post-it note
<font color="

491
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,960
What?

492
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,080
It's just here, by the church.

493
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,000
I don't know what
I'm gonna say to her.

494
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,400
Just tell her you're sorry.

495
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,680
Still don't think
we should have brought

496
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,200
your emotional support
<font color="

497
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,120
Yeah. She's getting married.

498
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,160
Called it.

499
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,400
She just wanted you for one last
blow on the meat horn, Malc.

500
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:01,680
And you bailed on her.

501
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,320
Do not listen to him, Dad.

502
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880
She'll just be a guest.

503
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,240
Have you got the flowers?

504
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,280
<font color="

505
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,040
What if I get tagged in the photos?

506
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,000
I think you look lovely.

507
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,960
You've got that glow, the baby glow.

508
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,360
She's dead.

509
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,120
Malcolm... Oh Dad!

510
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,200
Excuse me.

511
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,480
Oh, God.

512
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,640
<font color="

513
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,160
Hey, she could have had a disease

514
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,400
she was trying to pass on
as an act of vengeance.

515
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,720
Shut up.

516
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,480
I can't believe she's dead.

517
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,320
One minute, she's sat in the garden
with a chunky John Grisham,

518
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,320
<font color="

519
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,400
Did you know Helen well?

520
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,720
Erm...

521
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,440
She was so lovely.

522
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,320
Helped me out no end with this one.

523
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,480
She was lovely, wasn't she?

524
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,960
I just wish I'd had a chance
to tell her, you know...

525
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,360
<font color="

526
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,120
so you can send her a little
message later if you like.

527
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,320
Lovely.

528
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,520
MUSIC: Adagio for Strings
by Samuel Barber

529
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,280
AIRHORN

530
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,000
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Derek!

531
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,520
<font color="
Wow, wow, pussy alert.

532
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,800
Turn your phone off. Have some
respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert.

533
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,160
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Can you hold them?

534
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,560
<font color="

535
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,880
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.

536
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,720
I've got it. It's off.

537
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,680
At least she's with her
best friends, the angels, now.

538
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:31,040
Was it the start of something
<font color="

539
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,240
Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group

540
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,680
dedicated to exposing
government conspiracy theories.

541
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,720
Chemtrails, specifically.

542
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,680
Oh, mate. I am so sorry.

543
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,440
No, it's better I find out
now than on our wedding day.

544
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,120
<font color="

545
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,840
What gave it away?

546
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,960
Those antibiotics you had are
mainly given to pregnant people.

547
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,200
Plus you weren't drinking
at Sugar Daddies.

548
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,720
Yeah. 18 weeks.

549
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,280
And he's not on the scene,
which is why I was at the club,

550
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,640
<font color="
about doing it alone.

551
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,240
That's, is...

552
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,880
That's a lot.

553
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,120
Fergal was really fit
though, wasn't he?

554
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,240
Yeah. Really...fit.

555
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,680
Do you, er...

556
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,560
..fancy getting a coffee sometime?

557
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,560
<font color="

558
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,280
Oh, my God, it is.

559
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,400
Yeah. Oh, perfect.

560
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,880
I can tell you all about my theory
on why 9/11 was an inside job.